Tohru's dirty life
by Fandoms for the win
Summary: I few days in the life of a very dirty Tohru Honda. Crack-fic! One-shot! I believe this is the only fanfic I've ever write that is NOT Kyoru!


A/N: This was inspired by a fanfic I read. Enjoy!

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Hi. I'm Tohru Ho- what the fuck is that? There is a cockroach on my window. A FUCKING COCKROACH.

"KYOOOOOOO!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"COME HEEEEEEEEERE!"

"WHYYYYYYYY?!"

"SHUT THE HELL UUUUUUUUUP!"

That was Yuki the retarded feather.

I then heard a shotgun shot and assumed Shigure had killed Yuki. FINALLY! That piece of shit had lived long enough.

"BECAAAAAAAUSE!"

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

One millisecond later Kyo was at my door.

"YOU'RE A TIME TRAVELLING DUCK!"

"You are quite right!"

And then he disappeared.

So I had sweet lesbian sex with Akito.

"AKITO?!"

"KURENO?!"

I fucking hate that guy. Can he get a life? He's like a retarded seal that only knew how to juggle but then failed one time and smashed its head into the ground and called out retardedly and died.

"IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!"

"It looks like My Little Pony..."

And so that's how and when Kureno learnt was sex was.

"Akito. I took a pregnancy test and... IT CAME OUT POSITIVE!"

"HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE!? IM A WOMAN!"

Everyone, the entire zodiac had randomly appeared, turned to Hatori.

"I know what you're all thinking. Yes. I did fuck Tohru in her sleep."

I was actually awake and- what can I say?- me like sex with Hatori! He might even be better than Hiro...

"I HAD SEX WITH TOHRU!"

"HIRO?!"

Kisa started crying and I felt really bad but, meh. Nobody knows who the father is 'cause I actually-

"I had sex with Tohru as well."

"HARU?! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"AHA! I knew you two had a thing!"

Yep. I had sex with Haru as well. He was soooo good... Rin had it coming though. Fucking slut...

It might not be Haru though, 'cause I also had-

"I admit it! I couldn't help myself! Tohru's charms were too great! We made love like no tomorrow on Shigure's desk and-"

"AYAME?!"

That was everyone. Even me. I must've been drunk or something... I dunno. Well! Onto the next contestant...s...

"I, Yuki, had-"

"Nope. NOPE. NO!"

I NEVER had sex with Yuki. Who would? He's a fucking pansy. I bet sex with him is like sex with a fucking tortoise.

("Miss Honda, may I touch there?"

"You may."

"Miss Honda, may I touch there?"

"Yes..."

"Miss Honda, may I-"

"STOP ASKING FOR MY FUCKING PERMISSION! IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING!")

"I-uh..."

"Not you too, Shigure..."

"IM SORRY! I HAVE TAKEN TOHRU'S VIRGINITY! I AM SOOOO SORRY!"

Ritsu was really hard! You know the drill.

("I'm sorry! Did that hurt?"

"Nope."

"Did that? Oh, I'm sorry!"

"SHUT UP AND FUCK ME!")

Mmyeah...

"I've also soiled my little flower!"

"Oh, I wasn't expecting that!"

That sarcastic remark was from Kyo.

"I'M MOMIJI!"

"Go away."

"I'M MOMIJI!"

"GO AWAY."

"TOHRU GAVE ME A BLOWJOB!"

"WHAAAAAA?!"

Momiji... Hmm... He was...different...

And finally, it's Kyo's turn!

"I..."

"Kyo."

Oh no! It's Kagura-chan! She's a pain in the ass...

I'll fucking say it.

"Me and Kyo made sweet love while discussing how we're gonna kill you, Kagura."

"WHAAAAT!?"

"What she said..."

"IMA KILL YOU!"

"Nope."

"I WILL KIIIIILL YOU!"

"No."

"I SAID IM GONNA-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP KAGURA! KYO'S MY KITTY NOW, BITCH!"

Kagura, the pathetic little bitch she is, ran away in tears.

So I fucked Momiji's little sister.

"OH MOMO!"

"TOHRU-CHAN!"

"WHAT IN THE WORLD?!"

"Oh! Hi, Kyo! Come join us!"

"...alright."

And so we had a manage a trois.

And I decided Hiro was the father. 'Cause I wanted to see the look on his face.

Then I said it was Kyo 'cause I felt lucky.

And when it came out it had orange hair so me and Kyo danced around going "BINGO BABY! BINGO BABY!"

And then we got run over by a truck.

Where the fuck am I?

'You're in heaven, child.'

"I WANNA LIVE AGAIN!"

'Ok.'

And that's how me and Kyo came back from the dead.

"KYOOOOOOO!"

"WHAAAAT!?"

"COME HEEEEEERE!"

Didn't this happen recently?

"WHYYYYYYYY?!"

"'CAAAAAUUUUUSE!"

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"What?"

"I'm a kitty! Meow!"

Then he slammed the door. ON MY FINGERS!

"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Kagura?!"

"Oh no..."

Kagura's gone now, the fucking bitch...

Hatori came and made love to me today. He's pretty good, but not as good as Momo!

"I heard that!"

"I heard it too!"

"$H00T 00P J00 F KIN L00ZER!"

"TOHRU BE TECHNO!"

And that's how I became a DJ.

Then Yuki fell out of a closet and onto me.

"Miss Honda, I will make love-"

"WHAT THE FUCK?! Kyo! Get this thing offa me!"

And then Kyo beat the shit outta Yuki. Love can make you do wondrous things...

"PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"

"EYO! EYO! EYO! EYO!"

And that's how I became a midwife.

"PUSH KURENO! PUSH!"

Yup. Kureno's actually a girl. EXPECTED!

Then Yuki, the retarded feather, walked in.

"Tohru, I will now fuck you."

"Kyo..."

And then me and Kyo had sex right in front of Yuki and a hysterical Kureno.

"Miss Honda..."

"Yuki. Shut the fuck up. Seriously."

"Mi-"

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Then I smashed his head into a window.

"OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!"

"Hatori, how many times do I have to tell you? We're Japanese. Not Korean."

"HEEEEEEEEY SEXY LADY!"

So then Shigure murdered Hatori for me. The execution was perfect.

"Kyo-"

"I'M A SEXY UNICORN."

"Yes. Yes you are."

And then we caught Ritsu and Hiro having hot yaoi sex in the toilet.

"MYYYYY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL DA BOYS TO THE YARD-!"

"DON'T DRINK MILKSHAKES ANYMORE!"

Shigure can be a bitch. He wants me all to himself.

So I fucked Haru. Again.

"MOMIJI WANTS SOME ACTION!"

"THEN WATCH ACTION MAN!"

Jesus, Haru! How old is that?! Ten years?! Get a fucking grip!

I watched Uo do a strip tease yesterday. She has the smallest tits I've ever seen.

"AND WE CAN'T STOOOOOP! AND WE WON'T STOOOOP!"

"SHUT UP!"

"I LITERALLY CAN'T STOOOP!

I'M A ROBOOOOOOT!"

Well, fuck that shit.

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT SERIOUSLY MOMIJI!"

Momiji fucking a piece of shit. I will never get that image out of my head...

"BABY- OH SHIT!"

Yeah, you better run Kureno. Unless you want your genitals cut off by a chainsaw.

"69! LOL!"

"SHUT UP HATORI!"

Hatori's an idiot. But HE ROCKED ME ALLLLL NIIIGHT LOOOOONG! AND HE PUSHED ME ALLLL NIIIIGHT LOOOOOOONG!

Enrique Inglesias. He's a singer. AND HE'S SPANISH. Muhaha.

"OOOOOH HARDER!"

That's what she said.

Or rather, that's what I said. WHEN AYAME FUCKED ME LAST NIGHT!

I'm a slut? No, I'm not the slut.

Kagome is.

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A/N: Kagome really is a slut. I mean, she's got Koga, InuYasha, Hojo... God. Please leave a review!


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